englische Whisk(e)y Witze

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, heasks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket." The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

There is a beautiful deserted island
in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.
* 2 French men and 1 French woman.
* 2 German men and 1 German woman.
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.
* 2 English men and 1 English woman.
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman.
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman.
* 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman.
* 2 Kiwi men and 1 Kiwi woman.
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...
* One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "manage a trois".
*The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
* The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
* The 2 Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
* The Australians are all wankers, so who cares?
* The 2 Kiwi men start searching the island for sheep while the woman gets friendly with a big banana she's found.
* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut- whisky, but happily, at least they know the English aren't getting any...

A guy dies and goes to hell. He is walking around looking at everything when he notices something. "Satan?" He asks "Is hell really not that bad, because all the guys I have seen have a bottle of whisky and are surrounded by beautiful women." "It's a great deal worse than you think!" He returns "All the whiskey bottles have holes in the bottom, and the women, well, don't."

Gerry Adams is driving through Belfast and Ian Paisley is driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. Gerry manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Jaysus, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise, Paisley scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" Paisley walks over to Adams and says, "Hey Gerry, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals." Gerry thinks for a moment and says, "You know Ian, you're absolutely right! We should be friends and together work for a better N.Ireland. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck." So, Gerry pops open his trunk and finds a full-unopened bottle of Irish Whiskey. He says to Ian, "I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship." Paisley says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Irish Whiskey. After putting away nearly half the bottle, Ian hands it back to Gerry and says, "Your turn" Gerry twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

An actor was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an audition and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest
of my life and give up drinking whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The man looks up again and says,
"it's ok, I found one".

The teacher gave her class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Sinead said: "My da's says eggs are important and we should eat plenty. One time we were taking our eggs home from the supermarket in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke on the dashboard and made a right mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Fionnula raised her hand and said: "Our family have a farm. We raise chickens for the meat factory. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Fionnula. Shane, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, Miss. My Da told me this story about my Auntie Karen. Auntie Karen went to live in the States in the 1980s when she couldn't get a job. Later she was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bale out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of Irish Whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your Dad tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Auntie Karen when she's been drinking.